Joke thread

How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?

You marry her.

where does an elephant keep his sex ogans?










bottom of his foot....cause if he steps on you, you're fucked.








Why do elephants paint their nails red?






so they can hide in cherry trees.




















ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?

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Jon Burke - KI6LSW
Blog: http://psgrallywrx.blogspot.com/

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
Because the white ones always get dirty.

Why do elephants float in the river upside-down?
To keep their blue tennis shoes from getting wet.

How do you get an elephant up an oak tree?
Sit it down on an acorn and wait 50 years.

How do you get an elephant out of an oak tree?
Just wait till the leaves start to drop.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.

Why do giraffes have long necks?
For spitting on burning elephants.

The following is probably my favorite joke in the whole world:

How are an elephant and a banana just alike?
They are both yellow . . . . uh . . . . Except for the elephant, of course.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
Look! A herd of elephants coming over the hill!

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
Look! A bunch of bananas coming over the hill!
(Jane was color-blind.)

Why do elephants travel in herds?
Because if they traveled in flocks, it would confuse the sheepdogs.

Why do elephants walk on four feet?
Because if they flew, you could never keep your car clean.

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of his feet yellow?
So he could hide upsidedown in a bowl of custard.
(Have you ever seen an elepahnt in your bowl of custard?)

How do you get three elephants in a taxi?
One in the front next to the driver, and two in the back.

How do you know there is an elephant in your house?
There's a taxi outside with two impatient elephants.

How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
There's a taxi outside it with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?
There are footprints in the butter.

How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get two elephants in the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the first elephant, then put in the second elephant, then close the door.

How do you get six elephants in the refrigerator?
Put three elephants in a taxi, put three elephants in another taxi, then put the two taxis in the fridge.

Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?
Not enough refrigerators.

Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?
Strangle it till it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Tell it a dirty joke until it blushes and turns red, then strangle it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?
What are you talking about? There are no yellow elephants!

How to catch a white elephant: Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.


How do you stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its tail.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
He was riding with the chicken.

Why did the elephant cross himself?
The chicken was a bad driver.

After they crossed the road, the chicken and the elephant went to church. Why did the elephant cross himself?
To get to the Other Side.

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Welcome to the cult of JVL drink the koolaid or be banned.

Why do baby ducks walk softy?

Because they can't walk hardly.

A Bear walks into a bar....walks up to the bartender and says,

"Barkeep, I'd like a GIN.......................................................................................................and TONIC!"


The bartender says sure, no problem, but why the big pause?


The bear looks down at his paws and says, 'Oh these? I've had'm all my life.'

(its better in person)

---

Jon Burke - KI6LSW
Blog: http://psgrallywrx.blogspot.com/

Bah, you broke the trend.

---

Welcome to the cult of JVL drink the koolaid or be banned.

Jon Burke Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A Bear walks into a bar....walks up to the
> bartender and says,
>
> "Barkeep, I'd like a
> GIN...............................................
> ..................................................
> ......and TONIC!"
>
>
> The bartender says sure, no problem, but why the
> big pause?
>
>
> The bear looks down at his paws and says, 'Oh
> these? I've had'm all my life.'
>
> (its better in person)
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Jon Burke - KI6LSW
> Blog:
> 'Holy Shit!' @ 4:10

Teee heeee! I liked that one.

---

John Vanlandingham
Sleezattle, WA, USA

Vive le Prole-le-ralliat

www.rallyrace.net/jvab
CALL +1 206 431-9696
Remember! Pacific Standard Time
is 3 hours behind Eastern Standard Time.

What did the termite say when he walks into a saloon?

Is the Bar Tender here?

---

Michael LeCompte

A cup for women...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?



















Unique up on him!

---

Gone fishing

And now for something completely different..........and dirtier.

So this guy walks into the Patent office and says "I know you won't believe this but I have developed a cookie that tastes JUST like pussy."

"Thats impossible" the Patent officer exclaims. "Nobodies ever been able to acheive that."

"No, trust me, take a bite. "I swear this cookie tastes just like pussy"

The skeptical Patent officer takes a huge bite of the cookie and quikly spits it up. He's about to puke. "This cookie tastes just like shit!!!"

The man sits there smirking. "Turn it around......turn it around."

---

Gone fishing

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?





'Ellifiknow.

---

Lurch
Eric Burmeister
The west coast...of Michigan

Man walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his head.

Bartender says, "Dude? How did this happen?"

Frog says, "Well it started with this spot on my ass..."

---

Lurch
Eric Burmeister
The west coast...of Michigan

How do you catch a tame rabbit?










Tame way. Unique up on it.

---

Michael LeCompte

since we all love lawyers so much...


a lawyer runs out of gas and walks to a farmhouse and asks for help, of course its much too late, so the farmer say he'll give him a ride back to his car (with gas) in the morning. He can sleep on the couch downstairs, but he MUSTn't go upstairs because the farmer's two daughters are there.

So he says OK.

But sure enough, after the farmer is asleep, the first daughter sneaks downstairs and sees the goodlooking lawyer and says, 'Hi, I'm NELLIE....You're so CUTE....lets go into our barn, there's an old car there and we won't be heard!'

So they do.

They come back, Nellie sneaks back up stairs and the lawyer starts to nod off. Then, the 2ND daughter sneaks downstairs and says, 'Hi, I'm ENIS...You're so CUTE...lets go into our barn, there's an old car there and we won't be heard!'

So they do.

They sneak back inside and the guy goes off to sleep. The next morning he's waken by the farmer who has the gas can in his hand and says, 'OK, lets go.'

So they do...and the lawyer gets back in his car and drives off...thinking he got away with it.


About a month later, he receives a letter....its from the farmer, and its written in the form of a poem, like this:

Dear Sir,

Are you the one that did the pushin'
Left the stain upon the cushin'
and the footprints on my window upside down?

You fucked my daughter NELLIE,
Now somethin's growin' in her bellie,
and I think you aught to come right back to town!


SO...like I said, this guy is a LAWYER, and he's SMART...so he thinks for a minute and writes a letter back to the farmer that goes like this:

Dear Sir,

Yes, I'm the one that did the pushin'
Left the stain upon the cushin',
and the footprints on the window upside down.

I fucked your daughter ENIS,
Now somethin's wrong with my penis,
So lets just call it even all around.

---

Jon Burke - KI6LSW
Blog: http://psgrallywrx.blogspot.com/