Pilot jokes

Subject: Air Traffic Control Conversations


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A C-124 and an F-4 are on intersecting taxiways at Rhein-Main. The F-4 driver radios Ground and asks, "What are the Globemaster's intentions?" The C-124 pilot opens the nose doors and says, "I"m going to eat you."

It is always fun to hear the tower yelling at people straying into their air space.

KBFI gets a lot of that.

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In the long run reality always wins.

OK it finally happened. Jens posted something that didn't piss me off. Actually it was good, tasteful, made sense, made me laugh (the good way) and didn't cause an irate response from anybody.

What can I say but THANK YOU ?

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Cheers
M.Samli
Phoenix AZ
Gaylant VR4
EVO III GSR (Stolen)


Rallies are no place for traitors

sagsert Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> OK it finally happened. Jens posted something that
> didn't piss me off. Actually it was good,
> tasteful.....


You couldn't read the jokes and have a chuckle without acting like a moron again?

I don't care if something I write angers you.... Welcome to reality, Pal.

You writing about posts being in good taste is ironic. You wouldn't know good taste if it came up and bit you in the ass.

Feel better now?

Much better fucktard. I was getting ready to do an intensive investigation on who hicajked your user name. Now the order is restored, once again everything is back to normal.

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Cheers
M.Samli
Phoenix AZ
Gaylant VR4
EVO III GSR (Stolen)


Rallies are no place for traitors

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul
writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day
as
Walt
(my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California
13
miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other

aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't
really
control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard
a
Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." "90 knots" Center
replied.
"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." "120 knots," Center

answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day
as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests groundspeed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the
response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." "Another silent pause. As
I
was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar
click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at
that
precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we
were
both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I
show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.



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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported
receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The
incredulous
controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan
to
get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver),
responded,
"We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was
cleared.

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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied
timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on
navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a
.45
and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To
be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you
will."



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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around

and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new

pilot."

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In the long run reality always wins.